Baby Luke otherwise known as twin one, the compromised twin, was closest to my cervix. Luke is the one whose waters broke. I was only just feeling the kicks and since this was my first pregnancy I was never sure if I was feeling a kick or a cramp. But the night that Luke’s water broke I remember the kicks.
I don't remember much about the five days in hospital. I was on bed rest I was afraid to move or feel in case something happened. I lay there and tried not to think of Luke with only 13 % fluid around his tiny little body. I was scanned several times, both twins looked ok, Luke seemed to be managing. I couldn't understand how this had happened. I would talk to the boys willing them to stay inside for a few more weeks. I blamed Luke for breaking his waters; I'd ask him what he was doing that night as it felt like he was playing a football match. Then I would blame myself, what had I done to compromise these two babies’ lives. This lasted five days living on the edge, hoping, praying, with no power over how things would turn out. I didn't see anybody during this time. I couldn't, it felt like my life was over, little did I know the life that I knew was over and the journey ahead was to be unbearable.
I was scared the night I went into labor. The twins were 24.5 weeks old. The doctors came and spoke to me saying their chances of survival were small. I was told there would be a lot of people in the delivery room with me, two teams of three for the twins and a team for me. I went into labor at two in the morning. I phoned my partner, I was scared, and there was a television on in the room, a repeat show. It all felt a bit surreal. I was not in a lot of pain just some contractions; they gave me gas and then later an epidural. I remember not caring, I just wanted to know would they be ok, would they live. Why was this happening to me? They put me in a different room, and that room filled up. I had two doctors working with me and two midwives and there was someone else there but I didn't know what for. The teams for the boys were there, that made eleven plus my partner that was twelve and there could have been one or two more. All these people, I could not relate to what was going on. It felt like it was happening to somebody else, that I was outside my body. I felt nothing I was numb, both physically and mentally. I remember been told to push, that I was a good girl I was told how to position my head to tuck my chin in and to breath and push to stop to push again. I followed all the instructions. I did everything I was supposed to do. Throughout the whole pregnancy I did everything I was supposed to do. I ate the right food, I did the right exercise, I didn't take any medication, I rested, and I didn't lift. I went by the book and here I was one of the small percentages of people where it all goes wrong. I was also part of the small percentage of women who have fertility problems. Now my sons were entering the world where only a small percentage survives. What chance did they have, was it luck or chance or really no reason at all only that it is. This is the question that cannot be answered, as there is no answer, which makes it all the more frustrating.
Luke twin one was born, I remember he came into the world quickly, they asked me to stop pushing they caught him. I saw him; he lay lifeless in their arms. Just moments before there had been two heart beats, but now he was lifeless. Luke was long and slim; he was the bigger of the two and weighed 620 grams. It was almost like the clock stopped, time and space stood still and I had the image of my son my first born lifeless.
The team took him to the end of the room to work on him and the clock started to tick again. Twin two was coming but he had to be turned to the correct position. The doctors prodded and pushed and used their hands to position Arthur, his waters burst and in twelve minutes he was born. Arthur cried and was whisked away; I didn't see him, as he was gone too quickly.
The doctor put his arms around me and gave me a big hug, he told me that I had done a great job. I remember focusing on Luke what were they doing? Then the doctors turned around to tell me there was nothing they could do there was no heartbeat. Later I found out there had been no heartbeat detected, he was stillborn; he had been compromised well before he was born, and he had a very small chance of survival. My firstborn was dead.
The doctors wanted to show me my second born before they whisked him away to NICU. I was thinking what the point was if he was going to die too, why attach myself to this baby if he is only to be taken away. This reaction is something I do dwell on is it the body shutting down all emotions, protecting itself? Weeks later I felt it on returning home I was so numb, I didn't want to love anything or have anyone or anything close to me, because I feared losing it.