Sunday, 19 May 2013


Hope according to Wikipedia, is the state which promotes the belief in a good outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Despair is often regarded as the opposite of hope. I know what despair feels like, I think anyone who has lost someone they love has felt despair. Despair is a dark lonely place where hope does not exist, in fact I don't think anything exists only darkness, heaviness and confusion.

I read yesterday that the Krim family, who lost their two children Lulu and Leo to tragic circumstances late last year, are expecting again. The family release a statement to say they have hope for the future. It really is   inspirational that a family that have endured such pain in such awful circumstances are feeling the hope in a new pregnancy and are looking to a brighter future.

I personally am still finding it difficult to be hopeful, I am still not convinced that I will have a good outcome, however I am not in despair either. So what am I thinking? I would like to be hopeful and at times I guess it is there. I allow myself to imagine me holding my baby and bringing it home and at last having a family. This week however  any glimmer of hope has taken a backseat, to an overwhelming feeling of nervousness. I feel like I have a big exam ahead of me and I'm waiting to sit it in 2 weeks time. My stomach is in knots in anticipation of reaching 24.5 weeks, the age of my twins when they were born. I have no control over these feelings, my head can say its irrational to be nervous this is a different pregnancy but my body has a mind of its own.

Then I think when and if I pass the 24.5 week mark, will I then have hope, and I fear the overwhelming answer is probably not.Why? Because, I know too much of what can go wrong at different stages of a pregnancy. I have met and read too many stories. However when you read of another family like the Krims who have and continue to struggle and still have a glimmer of hope, it makes me think maybe things will turn out OK, maybe I just need to believe it can happen to me.

Monday, 6 May 2013

21 week

Once again its been a while since I have posted. I'm almost afraid to post as I'm afraid something will happen and I may loose this baby, whom I love so much already. It is a difficult journey, pregnancy after loss as each milestone I am reminded of what I lost and what I could loose.

I am 21 weeks on Wednesday and at this point in my pregnancy with only 3.5 weeks to go to the same date that I lost the twins. Theses days are hard as I countdown to this crucial date. I had a scare last week where I had some bleeding. I had a slow motion reaction when I saw the blood, I wanted to ignore it as I couldn't face going through another loss.  All I kept thinking was here I go again, I didn't contact the hospital for hours, instead I left work and went home and lay on the couch trying to avoid the whole situation.When I did contact my consultant she wanted me straight in. I was admitted to hospital for 4 nights of observation and thankfully there were no changes in my cervix and the bleeding stopped. All my test results came back clear and I had no infection so it looks like the bleeding was the result of my stitch stretching. In hospital I ended up in the same ward that I was in for the 5 days before the twins were born, I met some of the same nurses. It was difficult as I was scared and being in the same place surrounded by the same people was tremendously hard. But the positive is this baby is still safe inside me, with no notion of my worries.

I am been very well looked after by my consultant, and for the next seven weeks, I will be seen weekly for scans. I just wish I had met this consultant before and maybe the twins may still be here. I have discussed getting my steroid shot for the baby's lungs at week 24 and I will get a booster shot at week week 28.

I feel like the time is going slowly and that it is also going quickly, I cannot believe I have made it this far but I also know I have a long way to go. I feel the baby moving all the time, which I love. I had just started feeling the twins move when I lost them, so now I am enjoying this amazing feeling of life.

I haven't really told anyone that I am pregnant, just close family and a few friends and those I work with. I am really starting to show now so it will get more difficult to hide. I don't know why I want to hide it, but I do. I want to keep it to myself as long as I can. Currently I am on activity rest, I only go between work and home so I am able to keep a low profile. As I never really resumed my social life after loosing the twins, people are none the wiser.

Yesterday was international bereaved mothers day, I didn't realize till late in the evening. I lit a candle for my boys to mark the occasion. Also my birthday was a few weeks ago and I got two beautiful framed pictures of baby Luke. This was important as I had two pictures of baby Arthur, which I keep on our mantle piece and beside my bed but I had no picture of Luke. The pictures I have of Arthur are of us with him in neonatal when Santa came to visit.  So now I am happy as I have a picture of both my boys.

My next goal for this pregnancy is to reach  24.5 weeks followed by 28 weeks and if I make it that far I guess I will have a whole new set of worries!