Its been a tough week. My uncle died at 59 years old. Its was so sad to see such a good man taken at the prime of his life. It really makes me question why take him, he didn't drink or smoke, he was a hard worker, good to his parents and family and he is gone. Yet you see others and they abuse their bodies and nothing. Don't get me wrong I don't want anything to happen to anybody but life just seems so unfair.
It just seems no matter how well you look after yourself or in my case how well I tried to care for my babies, things just happen for no reason, just random acts, happening all the time. Life is hard, loss is hard, grief is hard.
At my uncles funeral, I met many family members whom I have not seen since loosing the twins. It was difficult as I definitely hold a lot of anger towards people whom I felt did not acknowledge my loss. When I lost the twins we didn't have a funeral, we cremated the boys and only had a few very close family members attend. On attending my uncles funeral, I could see that people were afforded the opportunity to offer their condolences. People knew how to behave and what was expected of them. When you loose a baby, it is not the same, people do not know what to do or what is expected of them. It is just so awful.
For the first time in over a year, I was able to face people and consider that what happened to Luke and I was really awful and nobody knew what to do. At the funeral some family members asked how I was, I knew they were asking about the twins and I was able to say I was doing OK. Others said nothing but it didn't hurt me as it has in the past. What was important for me was that I faced everybody, I spoke to everybody, I didn't feel like running and hiding. I have moved forward, and it is important for me to acknowledge that.
Loosing a family member is incredibly sad. Loosing your children is horrendous. Over the course of the week, there were many conversations about my uncles life. It made me really sad to think that nobody can ever speak about my boys like that as nobody knew them, which I guess makes it hard for people to recognize the extinct of our loss. This week I have become a bit more tolerant, in understanding others. However there are still people that I expected more from and those relationships are changed forever, but I am OK with that. I am not as angry.
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Its been a while since I have wrote anything. I stopped in October after I participated in capture your grief, I was exhausted after posting daily and needed time away from here. November was a quiet month, where I was preparing for my babies first anniversary and starting a new IVF cycle.
December was a hard month, I finished working on the 12th of December the day before my boys anniversary and didn't return till January 7th. Luke and Arthur's birthday and anniversary was a good day, much better than I had anticipated. I got up that morning and Luke & Arthur's daddy (also named Luke) had got me the most beautiful necklace with the boys names engraved in Ogham writing. Ogham is the earliest form of writing in Ireland, it dates to around 4th century A.D,it was the most wonderful gift, it made me cry. Then we headed out for the day, I had planned that we go to the national park where I planted the trees in memory of our boys. The family plot where the trees are planted is above a waterfall on the road to Torc mountain which is 500m high. We climbed the mountain, which is not too high but the weather conditions on the day were really hard, it was windy and raining. At various points along the route we contemplated turning back, but the mountain became symbolic of our year and how tough it has been and I needed to reach the top. We did and it felt good and as we descended the weather improved. After we went for dinner and a movie and when we arrived home, my sister had left the most beautiful card and two white flowers and a gift voucher for another piece of jewelry. I was so grateful to have had such a nice day in memory of our boys.
A couple of days later I visited the hospital where the boys were born and I dropped off birthday queen cakes for the nurses who looked after me and those who looked after Arthur in neonatal. I met with the counseling midwife as I did not feel strong enough to face the wards, but I got a fabulous card from neonatal, which meant a lot to me.
In the midst of all of this our dog turned 16, the same dog that was given 3 months to live last January. Mika (our dog) developed a bad toe infection and once more we were told she may not make it. I prayed she wouldn't die around the boys anniversary or over the Christmas period. Mika had a stroke because of the antibiotics she was on and we had to make the decision to cut her toe off, but we were told there was a strong possibility that she would die on the operating table. Mika survived and is happy and healthy, but missing one toe, she is a real survivor.
I had a strong urge that I did not want to celebrate Christmas so I planned to do my IVF over the Christmas holidays. I toyed with the idea of putting up a Christmas tree, but I attended a workshop and I made some Christmas decorations for the boys so I decided to put up some decorations. I'm glad I did. We flew to Kiev on Christmas eve and arrived to -15 weather. In Kiev they do not celebrate Christmas until the 7th of January, so whilst the city was decorated, we didn't have the pressure of Christmas day. On Christmas day we walked around the Christmas markets and went for a nice meal and that was it Christmas over. On the 26th I had egg retrieval and on the 27th Luke flew home as we were still unsure if Mika (dog) was ok and we didn't feel comfortable leaving her.
When I had my egg retrieved, I got a huge shock, I was told my lining was only 7mm, which is not good. I didn't understand how this could happen as the previous month I had an 8mm lining. When I got pregnant with the twins my lining was 8mm. We collected 11 eggs and 8 fertilized. The clinic said I had to decide whether I was to put back 2 or 3. I was advised by my consultant to put back 2 as the risks associated with a twin pregnancy. I spent my three days in Kiev a nervous wreck, it just all seemed doomed to fail.
On the day of transfer, the clinic felt as my lining was so poor they would recommend I transfer 3 so I did. I remained in Kiev for another day after the transfer and flew home on New Year eve, safely missing another celebration. Now I had the dreaded two week wait to endure. To be honest I didn't feel very hopefully and I think I began grieving this IVF at the beginning of the two week wait. I returned to work on the 7th but I was overwhelming sad. We discussed our options at length and tried to decide what next.
My test date was on the 14th January, I couldn't sleep that night and I woke at 5am, I decided to go for it. I peed and there was nothing so I left it and went to the kitchen for some water, I returned and I saw the faintest line, so faint you had to hold it up to the light. Now I was confused, after some time the line got a little stronger. I spent the next 24 hours on Google and I decided this was an evaporation line. I tested again the following morning and a even fainter line came up if that was possible, but the line appeared within the 3 minutes so now I deduced that it was a chemical pregnancy as the line had got fainter. Another 24 hours of Google agony. Finally on Monday morning I went to the GP and I just started crying, poor doctor didn't even know why I was there, eventually she did my bloods and I had a bhcg of 125, which is really low for 16 days post 3 day transfer. I went back again for a second beta on Wednesday and it had doubled to 294, which was positive but still low. I went back for 2 more beta and it more than doubled each time so I booked a scan.
My first scan I was 4 weeks past egg collection which translates to 6 weeks pregnant, and I had one sac but little else, we could see a tiny yolk, but it wasn't clear.As there was no heartbeat I was distraught, but my consultant said it is still too early. I went back for a second scan at 7 weeks, it was the most nerve wracking experience, but there it was a heart beat. So I guess I'm officially pregnant. I don't even want to write it as I am acutely aware it can be taken from me in an instant. I'm afraid. My consultant said I was measuring at 6 weeks instead of 7, but since I did IVF, I know my dates, so this is a worry. I know I had a late implanter, which would explain my low beta, but I also know it is not possible to implant a week late.
I remember after my first scan, I said to my consultant, that all my energy was put into getting pregnant now the fear that I was and what is ahead is overwhelming. I wish I was innocent and I had no idea what it is like to loose children. I am hoping and praying this little bean will stay with me. I am convinced it is a girl, I have even drifted off to looking at girls names, but I have to catch myself, I am nowhere near a place where I can dream of my take home baby. It is difficult to stay in the present when I dream of what the future would be like with my rainbow baby.
My consultant has agreed to scan me weekly until 12 weeks, if I am lucky enough to make it there. I think she understands how nervous I am. I scan again next Wednesday, which is all I can think about. I am just praying this bean is a fighter and grows and grows.