Nine months

Its nine months  since baby Luke was still born. Nine whole months since my life turned upside down and inside out. It is the same amount of time that one is suppose to carry their baby. Its sad to think of all that time and I still sit here with empty arms and a broken heart.

I'm confused as to how I feel at the moment, I can be happy, sad, angry and quiet all in a matter of minutes. I fleet through all these emotions, talking to myself all the time. I tell myself I am doing well, look how far I have come. I tell myself I and we will be OK. I tell  myself I will have my rainbow baby. I dream about that baby and then I dream about my dead babies. I'm up, I'm down. To be honest I don't really know what I feel, I feel confused.

I had two days away last weekend with friends, I had fun. I kept it together, for two days. I was proud of myself, I even enjoyed myself. On the way home I stopped for teas and cake with one of my friends and she asked that question, how are you. It was not the how are you that others ask, where you answer I am good, or doing as well as you could expect. It was a deeper and more meaningful how are you really. I felt all my emotions rising, the ones I managed to control for two whole days, and tears filled my eyes. I answered I am coping but I am sad, I am still lost. I blurted out about our recent fertility failures and how it affected me, she listened, we ate lemon meringue pie. It felt good to be honest to someone, to say I am finding it difficult. It was good that she asked. 

Its tree planting season, so the tree for the boys should be planted in the next few weeks, I visited the forest two weeks ago, the  picture below is of some of the trees, which sit beside a river. This is the same site that our tree will be, it is beautiful and tranquil and I look forward to making my pilgrimage to visit this place when I need to.

I am still waiting for my AF to arrive after my hysterscopy. I am two weeks late with no chance of being pregnant. I contacted my clinic and they said this happens. I was hoping to be doing my scan for my next cycle by now, but nothing. In some ways it is good as it has slowed me down, but I also want to just start. I have a built up tension, which I need to release with my cycle, but this has been going on for weeks. I am trying to nurture, my mind, my body and my soul. I am exercising, eating well, drinking herbal teas, taking baths,and burning candles. Theses practices make me feel good most of the time, but at other times I find it hard to motivate myself, or to feel good or to even care.

I got all my blood work results back, I tested for immunes such as NK cells and thyroid.  All came back clear. I am within the normal range for everything. I have taken another step forward at eliminating why I sit here with a broken heart and empty arms. I have also read some research that doing a hysterscopy can have a positive effect for implantation even if they don't find anything as it helps clean out the uterus. So I wait for my AF patiently, praying that all this work pays off for our next cycle and then in nine months my arms will be full and my heart healing.