Friday, 14 September 2012

Nine months

Its nine months  since baby Luke was still born. Nine whole months since my life turned upside down and inside out. It is the same amount of time that one is suppose to carry their baby. Its sad to think of all that time and I still sit here with empty arms and a broken heart.

I'm confused as to how I feel at the moment, I can be happy, sad, angry and quiet all in a matter of minutes. I fleet through all these emotions, talking to myself all the time. I tell myself I am doing well, look how far I have come. I tell myself I and we will be OK. I tell  myself I will have my rainbow baby. I dream about that baby and then I dream about my dead babies. I'm up, I'm down. To be honest I don't really know what I feel, I feel confused.

I had two days away last weekend with friends, I had fun. I kept it together, for two days. I was proud of myself, I even enjoyed myself. On the way home I stopped for teas and cake with one of my friends and she asked that question, how are you. It was not the how are you that others ask, where you answer I am good, or doing as well as you could expect. It was a deeper and more meaningful how are you really. I felt all my emotions rising, the ones I managed to control for two whole days, and tears filled my eyes. I answered I am coping but I am sad, I am still lost. I blurted out about our recent fertility failures and how it affected me, she listened, we ate lemon meringue pie. It felt good to be honest to someone, to say I am finding it difficult. It was good that she asked. 

Its tree planting season, so the tree for the boys should be planted in the next few weeks, I visited the forest two weeks ago, the  picture below is of some of the trees, which sit beside a river. This is the same site that our tree will be, it is beautiful and tranquil and I look forward to making my pilgrimage to visit this place when I need to.

I am still waiting for my AF to arrive after my hysterscopy. I am two weeks late with no chance of being pregnant. I contacted my clinic and they said this happens. I was hoping to be doing my scan for my next cycle by now, but nothing. In some ways it is good as it has slowed me down, but I also want to just start. I have a built up tension, which I need to release with my cycle, but this has been going on for weeks. I am trying to nurture, my mind, my body and my soul. I am exercising, eating well, drinking herbal teas, taking baths,and burning candles. Theses practices make me feel good most of the time, but at other times I find it hard to motivate myself, or to feel good or to even care.

I got all my blood work results back, I tested for immunes such as NK cells and thyroid.  All came back clear. I am within the normal range for everything. I have taken another step forward at eliminating why I sit here with a broken heart and empty arms. I have also read some research that doing a hysterscopy can have a positive effect for implantation even if they don't find anything as it helps clean out the uterus. So I wait for my AF patiently, praying that all this work pays off for our next cycle and then in nine months my arms will be full and my heart healing.

Sunday, 2 September 2012


Its been a good week. I have had moments where I have felt good, I have had snippets of who I was and for this I am grateful. I laughed, hiked, ate out, went to see live music and felt alive for the first time in a long time. I feel my grief has changed, maybe only for this week, but its nice to feel a change. I still guarded myself from the world and stayed close to people who have been by my side throughout this journey. I am grateful for these friends, my few friends, the ones who saw me at my worst, the ones who called without fail even when they were turned away as I couldn't bear to see anybody. The ones who still plan little excursions for me to get me out and doing stuff. The friends who still remember my two sons and allow me to mention their names. The friends who care about me and have given me time, their time, which is the most valuable gift of all.

I have been making an effort to do stuff and to engage more. Whilst I go to work and participate in my basic existence, I have been trying to do more. I don't feel terrified walking to and from work anymore, I still look down and avoid eye contact but its getting better. I exercise, still only a little but I feel it benefits my mind body and soul. My mussels ache, the pain I can bear, I can manage, I know it will go away in time. Physical pain is much more tolerable than emotional pain, physical pain I can control. I have been feeding my body with vitamins, and good food. I am burning candles, worshiping everything and nothing. I am trying to prepare myself mentally and physically for more fertility treatments.

I haven't thought much about my treatments, I have just been waiting for my results to come through. Its been good to take a break if only for a few weeks. I had the biopsy results this week. The results are that I have a poorly developed secretory phase endometrium. whatever that means. I had no phone call to explain just a letter and a good luck on my IVF journey. Google has not given me any answers either. What I have gathered is that the the secretory phase is when the body secretes progesterone and the lining prepares for implantation, mine is thus poorly developed in one part. I sent my results to my clinic, and they said that I will need extra estrofem and I will be on Viagra to increase blood flow to my lining. Everything else inside my uterus is normal, which is positive I guess. In a sense I am happy that there is a bit of a change in my protocol going forward, it makes me feel more confident.

Now I await my AF to arrive, so that I can start the journey again. I am four days late, but there is no chance that I am pregnant. Its funny now I just want AF to arrive, usually I pray that it won't. What a messed up world I live in. A few weeks ago I was determined this would be my last treatment, but I met a brave baby loss mom recently and her words have given me courage, she said she will never give up until she has a baby in her arms. This will not be my last cycle if it fails, but it will mean that I will take a break before going again. I just needed head space to think about it and I will keep trying until I can't anymore.

I picked this picture as it really means something to me, friendship has been an important theme for me throughout this journey. I value my friendships but still find it hard to reconcile those that should have been there and who weren't. I know this is part of my journey and it is something that I will have to find peace with so that I can move on. They say forgiveness is the key, but I am yet unwilling to forgive or forget but I am working on it.