Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Rainy Days

I am taking a few days off work after I had my hysteroscopy last Friday. The procedure went well and they found nothing wrong. The consultant did say that part of my lining was a bit thick so they biopsied it and I will get the results during the week. So another bridge crossed. To be honest I was hoping they would find something so I would have a reason for my last two failed cycles. I know that it is better to find nothing but its frustrating as there is nothing I can fix.

I have had a hard week, felt down haven't been doing much, still spending a lot of time at home, then a friend from my days of living in the America came to visit and it really picked me up. I am really grateful, to feel a bit of life in me again. I had a nice few days, eating ice cream, getting out for walks and chatting.The first day was a long chat about the boys and a good cry and then I had a bit of fun. It is nice to have a bit of fun, to feel light, to feel motivated.

One of our conversations stuck with me, I was explaining how low I have felt in this grief, the lack of control over my life and its outcomes have been difficult to bear. I have always seen myself as a cautious person but sociable and determined. In our conversation it is evident at how lost I am, how different I am and how much I don't care about things, I thought were important. We talked about depression. I work with people with depression and in my family members suffer from depression but I never really truly understood what was going on for these people. Now I know, it is dark feeling. I see people around me who seem happy and are doing stuff and are living and I feel  dissociated from them and their world, I feel like I have nothing in common, I am alone, my world is so far away and so much darker.

I know that I have been and perhaps still am depressed. I have had an insight into a dark part of my soul. It is OK to feel like this, after all I have something to be depressed about, but I also need to make goals to allow myself some light time. I use the term light as depression is heavy and it is tiring. My friend said it would be an idea to start making some goals to achieve steps to move forward. I have been told this in the past and I have told myself that, and I have done it, but then I lose my way again. The failed cycles have been really difficult and painful. It takes time to get back up after such hard knocks, but I will.

So today my friend is gone, and I am still off work, I walked in the rain and it felt good. I felt good for doing it. It was my chicken soup for the soul. I need to push myself a bit more, I need to do a bit more outside of thinking about IVF, tests and babies. I dreamt about having a baby last night and it felt OK. Tomorrow I am getting my immune bloods done, another test off the list and on Friday I will meet another baby loss mum and go for a nice long walk.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

What next?

I have taken a break over the past week from thinking about fertility treatments. We decided to go away for a few days and tour around Ireland. It was a well needed break and gave us time together to reconnect. I find at home, I have gotten in to a bit of a rut.  I did two fertility treatments back to back and thus I limited my activity and people whom I saw, so my life was put on hold . Now I don't know what to do with myself so the best thing I could think of was to run away for a few days and sightsee.

We visited the rock of Cashel, which is a castle and a cathedral built on a rock. It was the home of the kings of Munster, which is the area of Ireland that I am from. There was an old graveyard attached to the cathedral, which I found myself wandering around. I stopped at graves were babies were buried, and wondered what their story was, I feel a huge amount of empathy for all these babies who never got a chance to live. It was sad but also cathartic.

We then went on to visit Newgrange, which is a world heritage site, built 5000 years ago. The site is a place for ritual and burial. The ancient people used to cremate their dead and place them the chamber in the center of the structure. On the shortest day of the year light  from the morning sunrise enters the chamber. The site represents the living and the dead. There are symbols of fertility positioned around the site, life and death side by side. These ancient people  did not live long lives, most died by the age of 40 and the infant mortality rate was extremely high. These people built this amazing structure to worship their dead, whilst celebrating life. I wear a locket with some Luke and Arthur's ashes in, so whilst in the chamber I was compelled to leave a few grains of their ashes alongside these ancient people. It is a little ritual for me to participate in, which I guess is all part of the healing process.

Now I am back home and once more fertility treatments become the main agenda, what next? I have decided to do another fresh cycle. I am going to get a hysteroscopy before the cycle as I want to ensure that the inside of my uterus is OK. After I gave birth to the boys part of my placenta retained, so I had a manual removal and a DNC.The procedures went well, but I want to check to see if there was any scaring. I have asked to get a biopsy while they are in there and I hope to get tested for NK killer cells. I have also decided to get some immune bloods done. I was given a list of bloods to check, I have had some of the blood work done already but what I will get this time is Anti-Thyroglobulin Ab, Anti-Histone Antibodies, Anti Throperoxidase Ab and Anti Nuclear Antibodies. Then if all is clear I will do the fresh cycle in either October or November. My clinic is not recommending the blood tests, but at this stage, I have done every test in the book except these so my thought is this time I might as well throw the kitchen sink at it. If something shows up at least I have a better understanding, and if all is clear I know in my heart I have left no stone unturned.

I must admit I am weary of all these  treatments, I am tired and I feel my life is on hold. The truth is right now I don't have a life, which I know is not healthy. I have also been goggling, when do you decide to end fertility treatments and from the suggestions that others have written, I am getting close to that place. I hate having to wait again to do the treatment, but in another breath I need the time as I am so broken after the last one. I have always found fertility treatments hard but since loosing the twins it is now so much harder.

Epictetus,' One must not tie a ship to a single anchor, nor life to a single hope'...