5 days to go

I have five days left before I test and I have no symptoms.. a few cramps from the progesterone. I wish the time would go quickly but on the other hand I don't want my hope to be taken away so I am glad of this time. I wish I was positive but I am struggling to find that positivity.

My cousin called on Sunday, and it was OK. We engaged in general chit chat but she never mentioned the twins, how the past few months have been for me or how was I feeling. It wasn't worth trying to make an issue of it, and now I am glad as it allows me to move on. We will always be related, we will see each other and thats OK. Our relationship will probably remain the same, I just perhaps thought it was something different.

A neighbor dropped by last Friday, she has lost two of her sons to tragedies one at 3 years old and the other in his late twenties. I never had any contact with her previously, but as we sat in the living room our two souls could understand each other. I am really grateful to her for making space for me and asking about my boys, when her own losses are unimaginable. I could speak freely to her about the birth and about all of little Arthur's milestones in neonatal. One thing that struck me is she was genuinely interested in talking about the boys and telling me of her experience of grief. When she asked to see some photos of the boys, I was delighted to pull out their album as I don't show many people that visit their photos. I am very grateful that I had that opportunity to sit with her and talk so openly. Afterwards I was shattered and emotional but it was good.

Lately I have been finding white feathers. A forum that I frequent, discusses white feathers as a sign of our children reminding us that they are near. I really like this idea. I don't remember ever seeing feathers before but now I am finding them and it is a good feeling. Today I picked one up as I was walking into work just lying on the street. I'm not sure what I believe in or where we go after we die, but the white feathers put Luke and Arthur at the forefront of my mind and that makes me smile. I have kept the feathers and placed them in the boys memory boxes to hopefully one day put in their scrap book.