six months

Six months yesterday since my precious angles were born and Luke our first child died.. I had a mixed day, I cried a little and read over all the old posts I had written on a support forum I am a member of. It made me very sad, I have moved on a bit from the early days but not as much as I thought I would have. I still have a lot of anger but in the midst of everything there is some happy times too but overall there is a sadness.

In the afternoon we visited Killarney national park, it is an hour from my home. We plan to plant two trees there in honor of the twins for their first anniversary, so we were checking it out.. It is beautiful and well looked after, we went on a walk through the forest which I enjoyed. I look forward to visiting there in the future when the trees are planted and hope that this will be a place where I will be close to nature and my boys.. The planting season is in the Autumn so then we can visit on the boys first anniversary.

Today I am tired. I have found that the days after a milestone much harder than the day of the event. I guess I am feeling emotionally drained.. So today I am having a bed day, thankfully the weather is bad, it kinda suits my mood. I will be back in work in a little over a week so days where I can just take time out from the world, will be less. I guess that will be another milestone.

I had my scan on Monday,the results were good my lining is at 11mm. I got my smear results back today and all is normal. So I got the go ahead I take my decap injection tomorrow and start taking Trental. So its a case of here we go again. Another blog I read ( if you read this Eylce, congratulations) has made me feel positive about why I am trying again..its so nice to see positive results even if the road ahead is uncertain... My consultant for the scan was also really positive, she said that she feels that there is no other reason why she thinks the scan didn't work other than it was a FET and the statistics are less. My consultant hasn't charged me for the scans from my last cycle or this cycle. I asked to pay her as I feel guilty going there for free, but she said that she sees me as an investment, she is so confident that I will become pregnant again. Then she said I will come back to her and she will take good care of me.. I left there in a positive mood, which believe me was needed. This transfer will be FET but I want to use up remaining embroys and the next tranfer will be fresh, so fingers crossed...