Its been a testing week. I flew to Paris last Monday, it was a nice distraction but at times I wish I was at home in bed away from the world. I missed hubby, as I took the trip with a girlfriend. At times I felt hollow, or I was going through the motions, watching as a passerby. Watching the world continue on, the happy families visiting the sites. I wondered did they know pain, have they experienced loss.. I drank wine, I got emotional, I enjoyed the atmosphere, it rained (I loved it, as often I think it suits my mood), I was exhausted, it was a change. Now I am back and I'm day one of my cycle.
This time last year I was preparing for the cycle with the twins, I had egg collection on the 6th July and transfer on the 9th.. This transfer will be on the 12th or 13th of July. I was so innocent this time last year, hoping to get pregnant, thinking that was the hard part out of the way, not knowing what lay ahead. I was hopeful and a year on I still am as I don't think I would be trying again if I wasn't, but I am no longer innocent. I have fear, of what can go wrong and a knowledge that it can happen to me.
In the past year, I have know a mothers love, I have known a mothers greatest loss. I have lost friends and gained a deep closeness to others. I have reflected on what is important to me and what is not. I have taken time out from the fast pace of my life and I have slowed down. I feel a stronger love and a deeper understanding of my DH and I know I am with a wonderful, patient, man who will care for me in sickness and in health. I have experienced my greatest joy and my deepest sorry. I have experienced trauma, depression, loneliness, self hatred and a hatred of the world. In the past year I have grown up.
I start back to work tomorrow. I am dreading it, I have thought up of a thousand excuses to extend it another week. As I will need time off to scan this week, I may just go in for two days this week and then three days next week. I will have to wait and see how I feel in the morning. I know it will be good to get the first day over with and go from there, I just wish it wasn't tomorrow... I wish a lot of things but life continues on and time does not stand still.
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