Devastated

Devastated is the only word to describe how I am feeling right now.. I was suppose to test on Saturday but I delayed it until Sunday as I had a hair appointment.. I thought one extra day would give a better hcg result.. but on Sunday morning I tested first thing and it was a BFN.. I was floored.. I mean I knew this was a likely result given my IVF history, but I also thought it happened already for me and the two little embryos were from the same batch as the twins and I have had so much bad luck, surely this was going to work for me.. How much more shit can a person take...

I spent Sunday in bed distracting myself as best I could and I felt ok, in the sense that it wasn't as bad as when we lost the twins.. but today I was floored.. we are doing some DIY around the house so I set about painting our new bathroom unit and the tears started flowing and flowing.. The thoughts of doing all this again is so hard for me to process right now.. I don't know if I have the energy.. as right now I don't think it will ever happen for us.. Why is it so easy for some people, and so hard for us.. At the moment I don't want to continue as I don't know how much more pain I can bear.. hopefully in a few days I will find the energy needed to start all over again..

Financially we are also coming to the end of the road, I don't know how much longer I can keep throwing money away.. I know if I had a baby I wouldn't care how much it cost me but when you have nothing at the end but two little urns it is a hard pill to swallow.. Where does all this end.. I have really put my life on hold, we can't afford to do anything.... and it isn't any of that really.. its just what we want so badly cannot have.. I'm truly devastated, this time..

Maybe it is too soon as some part of me thought that this would help me heal as the baby if I had become pregnant would be due around the twins anniversary, but that will not be the case now.. it was just not meant to be...