Its been a while!!!!

Its been a long time since I have been here... I didn't write while I was in India as it was difficult to get access to a computer.. The India trip was good for me but emotionally and physically.. I found the fist couple of days hard but once I had met whom I know there it got a bit easier... I began to exercise and eat well and spend sometime outdoors. This was good for the body and good for the soul!!!!

After four weeks in India, I returned home, I felt stronger..which is hard to explain.. I felt stronger mentally not as panicky..I had a trip to meet with Arthur's consultant on the babies due date. The meeting with the consultant went as well as could be expected.. Dr Stack went through Arthur's short life on this earth..and how he died.. We didn't learn any new details but we did learn more about the time frame of when things happened. Arthur died of overwhelming sepsis as a result of the pseudomonas bacteria that was found in his swabs and lines. He contacted the bacteria on the 26th or 27th of December.. he was dead on the 28th.. the results didn't come back until after Arthur had passed away... There was really nothing anyone could have done that could have changed the outcome..

The meeting with the consultant was the same day as the babies due date.. DH got me a present for the due date which was a picture book of the babies.. I can honestly say, that it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.. I also got a piece of memorial jewelry to hold the twins ashes.I also donated to charity in the boys name.. So overall the day was busy and very sad...

It wasn't till the following day that I felt the sadness take over..it just caught up with me..It was like we filled the due day with symbolic gestures, which helped to distract..but then it just became black again.. I retreated to my bed..I was tired..

Then DH became sick and was hospitalized.. thankfully nothing was found but the stress of the past few months was blamed for contributing to his symptoms.... Sometimes I forget how the babies death has affected him and how he has had to keep everything together and look after me.... I know he loved our babies more than life itself and the loss has saddened him for eternity...

A few days before we left India.. DH and I decided to spread a tiny piece of the boys ashes in the Indian ocean..It was not an easy decision for me as I didn't know if I wanted to give up even a little piece of the boys.. but when we discussed it we decided that we would have brought the boys to this place and as we visit this place often we would always have a little piece of the boys there, and we would feel them close.. we got some flowers and kayaked out to the headland and we took part in a little ceremony.. We both held hands and cried after we let them go..It was all to be so different.. this is where we wanted to take our boys on holiday instead we were spreading their ashes....

Now there due date has come and gone, it is something else to let go of.. which is also sad within itself.. Its still floors me to think all that has happened in the past 3 months.. how I have changed.. as a result of 2 little angels...

I am now waiting on one more appointment with my consultant from my local hospital.. This will be a difficult meeting as I feel they missed my cervix shortening.. I got the appointment on my birthday, which will be a sad day anyway.. I have a lot of anger around this consultant..I know it is important to get some closer around the chain of events that led to my waters breaking...

I just had a friend visit (P).. and yesterday I had two callers (M & C) so there has been lost of talking over what has happened over the past few weeks.. to be honest it felt ok talking about everything.. but then I went for a walk this evening with our dog.. and wham it hits me, crying look at what my life has become.. I am so nervous around the upcoming meeting with consultant.. I want to blame someone and right now all my energy is directed towards that person. I wish I could turn the clock back..I wish I had two little boys in my arms.. I wish I was normal..like everybody else..

This weekend is easter do I have plans no!!! It is also my DH birthday do we have plans no!!! One friend yesterday said you will get through this it may not seem like it now but there will be a time when you will feel ok again.. I know she is right..

I have decided to do a FET this month, I know it is probably too soon.. but to be honest I need a focus and I am no spring chicken.. so my chances for having a baby are getting less and less..so for me I need to be trying... I took my decap injection on the 2nd of April and am now waiting for my AF to arrive.. I ad a dream last night about undergoing fertility treatment.. so I know there is a lot of anxiety going forward.. but I feel at least I am moving forward and I am doing something..

I'm glad I have come back here.. its good to sort out my head.. I need to try and write on a regular basis.. I find even though I am on maternity leave my days are full.. I have no idea what I am doing.. i have also decided not to read b ack over my posts as I was told recently on a forum that when you read back over what you write you take back some of what you feel, that is better just to leave it and come back to it later.. so I will leave this now..until next time..