Intense

Why me!!! Why did this have to happen to me..I am angry.. I want this pain to end.. I miss my babies.. I don't want to see or hear about people who are happy..who are pregnant... or who have babies... I have a constant fear that bad things will happen to me...it's like I have lost my innocence... I don't even know the person who I was or the person I have become.. I am detached... I just want my babies back... Last night in the car I screamed and screamed I don't want this life, it wasn't meant to be like this.. Why me?? Why us??

I am feeling low .. I am a week away from my transfer.. I am scared. I had my final scan on Wednesday and my lining was 10mm. This is a great sign, I don't think in all the five IVF procedures that I have had to date that my lining has ever measured this thick. On my last transfer with the twins it measured 8mm, so I guess this is a good sign. My new consultant said everything looks well so I am good to go. I asked to pay her for the three scans that I have had to date, she said there was no need. I was a little taken aback, she said that I was to come back to her when I was pregnant and that she would look after me.. Suffice to say when I left her office the tears came. It was such a nice gesture. My last consultant would have billed me before I would even contemplate having a scan, so this is very new to me. I felt she had empathy for me and what I have been through.

I booked my flight and hotel and now it all seems real and thus my anxiety has increased. I am traveling to the clinic alone this time, which I envision is going to be difficult. I contacted the clinic during the week to ask them how a frozen egg cycle works. My contact there explained that they will defrost four or five embryos to get two for transfer. On my transfer with the twins I had three embryos transfered but I was warned this time only to get two, in the hope that one will stick. I keep thinking what if it doesn't work how will I cope and on the flip side I think if it does work how will I cope. Either way, either outcome is going to be difficult. My DH seems to be positive about this cycle, we have nine frozen embryos in total and they are all 8 cell. I pray that our baby is in there somewhere. I am thinking of a neighbor who visited soon after the twins had died, she told me she had also lost twins at twenty two weeks, she said now I think if the twins had lived I would not have my now living children. This neighbor went on to have two more children, which she would not have had if her twins had lived. So I am hoping that I can have that too, that i can have a living child, from this frozen cycle, which I would never used if my twins had lived. We had the conversation during the pregnancy as to what we would do with the frozen embryos once the twins were born, we had decided to keep them for a year after the twins were born and then to donate them to the clinic. We felt our family was complete with two children. I never in a million years thought that I would be here now going for another transfer within ten months of the twins transfer.

Little did I know that this would be my life, the life I do not want yet I have to live...