Friends

Well I am back, trying to establish a routine of writing more so that I can remember all that has passed. Today I picked up the book again that I started to read in India. It is called this lovely life by Vicki Forman. I read a quarter of it in India but I had to put it down it was too painful as she described loosing one twin and her journey in NICU.. It was too similar to my story and when her surviving twin passed the two week mark I had to leave it as I was crying so much. Today I came back to it and it is ok. Yes there is tears and yes Arthur is all I can think about but I'm ok with it.

In one part she describes the few categories that people fall into after a preemie birth. There are the Rocks who attempt to do anything and everything to offer encouragement, support, understanding and love. There are the Wanna-be-theres often neighbours, casual close friends co-workers and sometimes family members or friends, they want to help but don't know how. They are not rocks, they go not offer the right type of compassion to you and often only see the baby in terms of how it makes them feel. Then there is the Gingerbread men, just like the story they run, run as fast as they can from you when they hear of your babies birth. They will not call or contact you. They might ask, always second hand but go no further.

I like this description. As nearly everyday I think of the people who have been here for me and if the people who ran away. I feel lucky to have people who have been my rock or who wanna-be-there, but angry at those who ran away. I wish I could leave it after all it is not important, what is important is that I lost my babies nothing else matters but the anger creeps in. I feel let down by people that I really thought would be there for me and they are not. It's over three months since the babies were born and one person who I grew up with and thought I was close to has contacted me by phone twice and one visit for an hour. What do I do with that, why did they run away... It's bullshit... I am angry...