Monday, 30 April 2012

4 days to transfer

The countdown starts. It's only 3 day's and I fly to Kiev to do a frozen egg transfer. Why Kiev?? On our last IVF cycle we ran out of money so we decided to look abroad where the prices are more affordable. After months of research I decided on the ISIDA clinic in Kiev. We contacted them and they answered quickly so we went with it. I didn't know what to expect on going there but we were delighted with the clinic which was far newer and cleaner and more professional than the clinic we used here. On our first trip we spent a week there we did the tourist thing so we had a little holiday too..

This time I will only go for two nights. I arrive in the day before the transfer and I leave the day after. We decided that DH will not come with me this time as we want to save money as if this doesn't work plan B is to try for one fresh cycle again in July/August. However that will then be the end of the road for us as emotionally and financially we will be drained. I don't know what it is about IVF but I always find it seems more bearable if I have a plan B, something to fall back on if the cycle fails, a safety net..

I feel a bit more positive today. The past few days have been dark and I have been quiet emotional and angry. Today I am more focused. One step at a time, I even allowed myself a moment to think about what if it does work, I mean really work and I get to take a baby home. It was a nice thought but I didn't allow myself to dwell on it for too long.

This time I am not doing much preparation work. I am eating well and doing a little exercise, but still drinking caffeine and having a few glasses of wine. I will give it all up in a couple of days, but for now I will enjoy my little vices. I have done the whole acupuncture, homeopathy and Brazil nut thing but to be honest I didn't have much luck on those cycles so now I just want to be relaxed.. I am drinking pineapple juice though, but that is because I like it.

I just wish I could predict the future, and know what the outcome will be. Instead I have to make up outcomes in my head and how I will cope with each one. I will be reading over this post in a couple of weeks and I will have the answer!!

I have decided only to tell my sister about this cycle. Thats how we did it in the past,since we lost the boys I have told people close to me about my IVF journey, but I think it is easier not to have to answer questions on it. Today a friend called she has been very supportive over the past few months. Inside my head I wanted to tell her, to get it off my chest and to talk about it. But I stopped myself as another little voice was saying no keep it quiet protect yourself. I only told my sister as she was asking too many questions about where I was going, that if I started making up stuff I don't know where I would have ended up.

So here goes, tomorrow I start Progesterone and I stop the nasal spray. The best thing about the frozen egg cycle is that there is very little to do, as in taking medications. I am on vitamins, aspirin, estrogen and nasal spray. Usually at this stage I am in a panic as I generally have messed up and I have taken the wrong dose of a drug or missed an injection, or missed taking something completely, but thankfully not this time.

One step at a time...four days to transfer!!!

Sunday, 29 April 2012


Why me!!! Why did this have to happen to me..I am angry.. I want this pain to end.. I miss my babies.. I don't want to see or hear about people who are happy..who are pregnant... or who have babies... I have a constant fear that bad things will happen to's like I have lost my innocence... I don't even know the person who I was or the person I have become.. I am detached... I just want my babies back... Last night in the car I screamed and screamed I don't want this life, it wasn't meant to be like this.. Why me?? Why us??

I am feeling low .. I am a week away from my transfer.. I am scared. I had my final scan on Wednesday and my lining was 10mm. This is a great sign, I don't think in all the five IVF procedures that I have had to date that my lining has ever measured this thick. On my last transfer with the twins it measured 8mm, so I guess this is a good sign. My new consultant said everything looks well so I am good to go. I asked to pay her for the three scans that I have had to date, she said there was no need. I was a little taken aback, she said that I was to come back to her when I was pregnant and that she would look after me.. Suffice to say when I left her office the tears came. It was such a nice gesture. My last consultant would have billed me before I would even contemplate having a scan, so this is very new to me. I felt she had empathy for me and what I have been through.

I booked my flight and hotel and now it all seems real and thus my anxiety has increased. I am traveling to the clinic alone this time, which I envision is going to be difficult. I contacted the clinic during the week to ask them how a frozen egg cycle works. My contact there explained that they will defrost four or five embryos to get two for transfer. On my transfer with the twins I had three embryos transfered but I was warned this time only to get two, in the hope that one will stick. I keep thinking what if it doesn't work how will I cope and on the flip side I think if it does work how will I cope. Either way, either outcome is going to be difficult. My DH seems to be positive about this cycle, we have nine frozen embryos in total and they are all 8 cell. I pray that our baby is in there somewhere. I am thinking of a neighbor who visited soon after the twins had died, she told me she had also lost twins at twenty two weeks, she said now I think if the twins had lived I would not have my now living children. This neighbor went on to have two more children, which she would not have had if her twins had lived. So I am hoping that I can have that too, that i can have a living child, from this frozen cycle, which I would never used if my twins had lived. We had the conversation during the pregnancy as to what we would do with the frozen embryos once the twins were born, we had decided to keep them for a year after the twins were born and then to donate them to the clinic. We felt our family was complete with two children. I never in a million years thought that I would be here now going for another transfer within ten months of the twins transfer.

Little did I know that this would be my life, the life I do not want yet I have to live...

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Going backwards, Going forward

Today I am mad... and confused..and mad... I just can't stop all of these thoughts going around in my head...Yesterday I had an appointment with the consultant that I was with for 5 years. This consultant was on the journey with us through 5 IVF treatments all the investigative work the operations... and then we stayed with her for our pregnancy.. she did the boys first scan.. she knew more than any living person what it was like for us, the ups and the downs.. as she is the only person that was aware of each step we had to go through to get pregnant...

So yesterday I was going back to see someone who I had a relationship with over years...someone who did not pick up the phone or write a note to say she was sorry to hear of our loss.. who did not acknowledge the loss of our boys.. she said yesterday I'm sorry for what happened, she had a letter in front of her with our sons names on, there names were Luke and Arthur..what she should have said is I'm sorry for your loss of your sons Luke and Arthur, after all they did exist, they were born, one lived for 2 weeks.. This is the reason I was meeting with her because these 2 people no longer exist they are dead.. and I am trying to find out as much as I can as to why this has happened so please acknowledge it that hard...

I arrived to the hospital and when I went to her secretary she was confused, she checked the list she informed me that I was to meet her at the outpatients department and that I needed to queue to get my file.. I'm here to talk about loosing my twins and I need to queue for my file..IS THIS FOR F*****G real... I stood here for a few minutes and asked by DH to take my place while I went to the nurses station. I told them I was here to meet with the consultant but that I couldn't queue.. I had lost my children , I was bawling..did I need to go through this.. They apologized and said they would get my file and that I could take a seat down the corridor (as now the whole waiting area was looking on)... Oh and the consultant isn't here so we would be waiting. We waited 40 minutes, in which time I was upset, crying, angry and mad.. Then along she comes with her cup of coffee in her hand and into the room...

I sat down in the room she apologized for our loss and gave the impression well what now.. I asked her for a chronological account of the pregnancy, she entertained me. I asked about my cervix measurement at my 18 week scan which was 2.78....that was it she was now on the defensive.. what of the measurement it was normal and did not indicate anything.. I asked would she not consider it short on the low side of cervix length.. she did not, in fact she doesn't know why she measured it at all..It is not something that is done and her colleagues do not do it.. I asked why as I was considered high risk...well if we had to do it for high risk we would have to do it for every pregnant woman and we would have nothing to compare it to..but I have lots of scans between 20 and 30 all done by you surely you have something to compare it to.. she didn't have that information there and couldn't say if she had ever measured my cervix but she would make an appointment at the end of May (she couldn't do it sooner as she would be away on holidays) to measure it... It was after the meeting that I remembered her doing a procedure prior to my IVF treatment in Dublin when she did a mock of inserting the embryo into the uterus and she commented that there was a bend in the cervix..surely she has a measurement...

I know that the outcome cannot be changed but it does make me mad that my consultant did not think my cervix had shortened and did not call me back for another scan for six weeks..I questioned this and was told it was normal. I asked about turning up at A&E with pre-labor symptoms and being told it was probably a capillary bleed and that this often water broke two days later.. I asked about the scan I had hours prior to my waters breaking, I was told the doctor had no way of knowing that I was at risk of going into labor even I had classic per-labor symptoms.... I mentioned the word 'they' when I asked about a scan she scolded me and said what do you mean by they I said the doctor who scanned me she said that it was her who was in charge so to refer to her.. I mean really am I five!!!

It didn't stop there I then asked her about what was her recommendation going forward she replied that I should get an abdominal stitch. I told her what the consultant that delivered the babies suggested to get a cervical stitch she said that was ok but she would recommend the abdominal stitch and only one person in Ireland can perform the procedure. Then she recommended I research it on-line before proceeding any further. I did not feel the need to inform her that I had already started down the IVF path again.. After all is this the type of person I want to have a relationship with... Is this someone I would want to know every detail of our difficult journey..Is this someone I would want in my life at all???

After this appointment my head was reeling.. I then had to get in my car and drive two hours to the hospital where the twins were born and meet with the midwife counselor.. I told her about my meeting and she was sympathetic.. She asked me what had I wanted from the meeting with the consultant. This is something that I needed to ponder, what did I hope to gain from this meeting.. empathy, understanding, someone to blame, closure, all of the above.. Did I get that??? No is the answer..if the consultant had called me after the boys had died would I have felt better, maybe,I don't know but I did feel that without empathy and genuine concern for me and my twin boys that I was left with anger.. This woman, consultant, doctor had left me with anger..My counselor asked did I need to be brining this extra person on my journey of grief and the answer is no but how do I get rid of do I let all these feelings of anger and what ifs go.. I known it is not healthy for me to dwell on this my DH has encouraged me to move on. I'm just finding it hard, I could honestly say at this moment in time I hate this person.

After my counseling session, I went for another scan.. this consultant was very nice, she had remembered that I had an appointment with my old consultant and asked how it went. I told her it was hard, and then I asked her about the recommendation of getting an abdominal stitch. This consultant said that I was not a candidate for an abdominal stitch, unless I had surgery to remove part of my cervix or a cervical stitch did not work. So why was this procedure recommended? Today I decided to write to my new consultant who is just back from holidays I asked her about the abdominal stitch and she said I was not a candidate. Its just so confusing, all these different opinions. The more I thought about it today, I wondered why my old consultant recommended a abdominal stitch as she never agreed that my cervix was incompetent, yet she wants me to go for major surgery. Oh and I had my cervix measured at yesterdays scan, it is 3.8-4.1 cm so I do have a normal cervix and it had shortened to 2.7.

. Well I guess the decision of whether or not to get abdominal stitch has been taken out of my hands as I got my transfer day today. It is on May 5th and I will need a third scan on April 25th to check my lining. So if I do get pregnant I will get a cervical stitch and if that doesn't work, I will probably go insane. What frightens me however is that I am so confident that I will get pregnant, I forget about all the failed IVF's, the ones where I did not get pregnant. It is so hard trying to stay in the here and now. Yesterday was my birthday.. happy birthday to me!!

Friday, 13 April 2012

Starting again...

Today wow!!! It's a bad day... I'm starting the whole IVF process again... Is it too soon.. I took my injection of decapeptyl on the 2nd of April and thought great I'm ready, I need to be moving forward. Then my AF was late arriving and I started to get anxious as I didn't like all this waiting around.. My AF arrived yesterday and so did the emotions. I argued with my poor DH last night and just started crying and then this morning I had to get my first scan. I was an emotional wreck.

I had to leave the house really early and just by the the caravan park where we had a holiday mobile home for 15 years I had two white butterflies fly in front of me.. My two boys wishing me luck.. But they shouldn't be wishing me luck, they should be here with me now and I should not be in the car on my way for another scan.. It's f****d up... I arrived to the clinic the same place the boys were born and died and I just felt so empty so sad so lost. I really questioned what am I doing here. When is enough enough, should I just accept that I will never have children.. Why am I putting myself through this. I was called into the scan room and a consultant filling in for my new consultant asked a very innocent question, is this your first IVF and that was it the flood gates opened and it hasn't stopped since. Why me, on my 6th cycle and still I have an empty cradle and empty arms and symbols that represent my children.. You think things have improved and you are feeling a bit better and wham bam you realize that they have not, in fact your right back where you started in the depths of grief. I knew this would happen I have been reading the forums, where I have found some insights of what this journey will be like and what I might expect. Except when the grief hits, you are still taken by surprise.

Then my scan results were sent off to my clinic and some back and forward e- mails with the clinic and I am officially on the IVF road again... Is it too soon??? It possibly is but I need to grasp at something as I am not ready to give up just yet, there is still a bit of fight there.. It is just too frightening to consider the option of no children, even though in time I may have to face this reality.. Only time will tell and as I already know nobody knows how things will work out so hope is all I have..

I just hate being on this journey again, I hate the scans, I hate the doctors visits.. I hate that this is my life.. But I love my two little butterflies xxxx

Wednesday, 11 April 2012


I read this today on a forum, I do not know the Author...

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam...
and for a brief moment it's joy and it's beauty belongs to this world....
but then it flies on again...
and even though we wished it could of stayed...
we are thankful to have known it at all..

What I didn't know is that many ancient civilizations believed that butterflies were symbols of the human soul. The Egyptian believed that butterflies were one of the pleasures that awaited the deceased in the afterlife. In ancient Greek the word for butterfly is phyche, which means soul. The native Americans in Mexico, the Aztec associated the morning star with the butterfly, which represents the soul of the dead. The Aztecs also believed that the happy dead in the form of beautiful butterflies would visit their relatives to assure them that all was well. A small town in Mexico also sees butterflies as souls and it is to this town that the monarch butterflies migrate every year on and around the holiday of the day of the dead. In Andalusian Spain a heir must throw unmixed wine on the ashes of the deceased as a toast to the butterfly that will escape with the soul. In Germany butterflies are thought to be the souls of children.

In Ireland, where I was born and where my twins were born, the butterfly is represented in Irish mythology as the spirits of the departed who return to visit their favourite place and their loved ones to reassure them that they are alright. In the 1600 in Ireland, killing a white butterfly was prohibited since it was believed to be the soul of a dead child. The significance of the butterfly in Irish folklore attributes it to the soul and thus it has the ability to cross into the Otherworld. It is also the symbol of transformation and creation. An Irish blessing " May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun, and find your shoulder to light on.. To bring you luck, happiness and riches today, tomorrow and beyond.

Saturday, 7 April 2012


Well I am back, trying to establish a routine of writing more so that I can remember all that has passed. Today I picked up the book again that I started to read in India. It is called this lovely life by Vicki Forman. I read a quarter of it in India but I had to put it down it was too painful as she described loosing one twin and her journey in NICU.. It was too similar to my story and when her surviving twin passed the two week mark I had to leave it as I was crying so much. Today I came back to it and it is ok. Yes there is tears and yes Arthur is all I can think about but I'm ok with it.

In one part she describes the few categories that people fall into after a preemie birth. There are the Rocks who attempt to do anything and everything to offer encouragement, support, understanding and love. There are the Wanna-be-theres often neighbours, casual close friends co-workers and sometimes family members or friends, they want to help but don't know how. They are not rocks, they go not offer the right type of compassion to you and often only see the baby in terms of how it makes them feel. Then there is the Gingerbread men, just like the story they run, run as fast as they can from you when they hear of your babies birth. They will not call or contact you. They might ask, always second hand but go no further.

I like this description. As nearly everyday I think of the people who have been here for me and if the people who ran away. I feel lucky to have people who have been my rock or who wanna-be-there, but angry at those who ran away. I wish I could leave it after all it is not important, what is important is that I lost my babies nothing else matters but the anger creeps in. I feel let down by people that I really thought would be there for me and they are not. It's over three months since the babies were born and one person who I grew up with and thought I was close to has contacted me by phone twice and one visit for an hour. What do I do with that, why did they run away... It's bullshit... I am angry...

Friday, 6 April 2012

Its been a while!!!!

Its been a long time since I have been here... I didn't write while I was in India as it was difficult to get access to a computer.. The India trip was good for me but emotionally and physically.. I found the fist couple of days hard but once I had met whom I know there it got a bit easier... I began to exercise and eat well and spend sometime outdoors. This was good for the body and good for the soul!!!!

After four weeks in India, I returned home, I felt stronger..which is hard to explain.. I felt stronger mentally not as panicky..I had a trip to meet with Arthur's consultant on the babies due date. The meeting with the consultant went as well as could be expected.. Dr Stack went through Arthur's short life on this earth..and how he died.. We didn't learn any new details but we did learn more about the time frame of when things happened. Arthur died of overwhelming sepsis as a result of the pseudomonas bacteria that was found in his swabs and lines. He contacted the bacteria on the 26th or 27th of December.. he was dead on the 28th.. the results didn't come back until after Arthur had passed away... There was really nothing anyone could have done that could have changed the outcome..

The meeting with the consultant was the same day as the babies due date.. DH got me a present for the due date which was a picture book of the babies.. I can honestly say, that it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.. I also got a piece of memorial jewelry to hold the twins ashes.I also donated to charity in the boys name.. So overall the day was busy and very sad...

It wasn't till the following day that I felt the sadness take just caught up with me..It was like we filled the due day with symbolic gestures, which helped to distract..but then it just became black again.. I retreated to my bed..I was tired..

Then DH became sick and was hospitalized.. thankfully nothing was found but the stress of the past few months was blamed for contributing to his symptoms.... Sometimes I forget how the babies death has affected him and how he has had to keep everything together and look after me.... I know he loved our babies more than life itself and the loss has saddened him for eternity...

A few days before we left India.. DH and I decided to spread a tiny piece of the boys ashes in the Indian ocean..It was not an easy decision for me as I didn't know if I wanted to give up even a little piece of the boys.. but when we discussed it we decided that we would have brought the boys to this place and as we visit this place often we would always have a little piece of the boys there, and we would feel them close.. we got some flowers and kayaked out to the headland and we took part in a little ceremony.. We both held hands and cried after we let them go..It was all to be so different.. this is where we wanted to take our boys on holiday instead we were spreading their ashes....

Now there due date has come and gone, it is something else to let go of.. which is also sad within itself.. Its still floors me to think all that has happened in the past 3 months.. how I have changed.. as a result of 2 little angels...

I am now waiting on one more appointment with my consultant from my local hospital.. This will be a difficult meeting as I feel they missed my cervix shortening.. I got the appointment on my birthday, which will be a sad day anyway.. I have a lot of anger around this consultant..I know it is important to get some closer around the chain of events that led to my waters breaking...

I just had a friend visit (P).. and yesterday I had two callers (M & C) so there has been lost of talking over what has happened over the past few weeks.. to be honest it felt ok talking about everything.. but then I went for a walk this evening with our dog.. and wham it hits me, crying look at what my life has become.. I am so nervous around the upcoming meeting with consultant.. I want to blame someone and right now all my energy is directed towards that person. I wish I could turn the clock back..I wish I had two little boys in my arms.. I wish I was everybody else..

This weekend is easter do I have plans no!!! It is also my DH birthday do we have plans no!!! One friend yesterday said you will get through this it may not seem like it now but there will be a time when you will feel ok again.. I know she is right..

I have decided to do a FET this month, I know it is probably too soon.. but to be honest I need a focus and I am no spring chicken.. so my chances for having a baby are getting less and for me I need to be trying... I took my decap injection on the 2nd of April and am now waiting for my AF to arrive.. I ad a dream last night about undergoing fertility treatment.. so I know there is a lot of anxiety going forward.. but I feel at least I am moving forward and I am doing something..

I'm glad I have come back here.. its good to sort out my head.. I need to try and write on a regular basis.. I find even though I am on maternity leave my days are full.. I have no idea what I am doing.. i have also decided not to read b ack over my posts as I was told recently on a forum that when you read back over what you write you take back some of what you feel, that is better just to leave it and come back to it later.. so I will leave this now..until next time..